Brett Favre: Not coming back.
Will Donovan McNabb be good enough to keep the Minnesota Vikings out of last place? Will the Philadelphia Eagles’ spending spree lead to a Super Bowl crown? Will Brett Favre suddenly show up in an NFL uniform this year?
We will answer these and other questions as we take a long, jaundiced look into the National Football League’s Crystal Ball. Of course, while looking into the future is always a risky bit of business, we’ve decided to seek out the best crystal ball gazer there is.
Blitznak the Magnificent, the man with the big ball… ahh, umm, the big crystal ball, has the answers to all of your queries, both fantasy and otherwise. He’s always right – at least, he believes he’s always right – and we were able to track him down at his cabin on Lake Winnipegosich deep in the northern Minnesota bush (OK, so he’s about eight miles northwest of Duluth near the Chippewa Casino on Hwy. 2) to interview the all-seeing NFL Oracle.
We posed the following 10 questions:
River City Sports Blog: So, Mr. Blitznak, the All-Knowing, will Donovan McNabb make a difference to the Minnesota Vikings.
Bryant McKinnie: Playing DT on Roller Skates.
Blitznak, the Magnificent: Short answer? No. Long answer? If he gets any time to throw, he could be terrific. Trouble is, that offensive line in Minnesota couldn’t block the Vikings Cheerleaders. On the upside, Leslie Frazier cut left tackle Bryant McKinnie who played last season like he was on roller-skates. That fat tub of goo was done last year and when he showed up to training camp weighing in at about 450, you knew it was over. The O-line will be better, but probably not enough better to make Donovan McNabb the Donovan McNabb of 2005.
RCSB: Did the Eagles do the right thing, spending all that money on free agents and will it make them good enough to win the Super Bowl?
B the M: Make no mistake, young Grasshopper, you never do the wrong thing when you spend money to try to get good players in order to win games. At least, ownership is trying. Now it’s up to Andy Reid to make that team a winner and it might take some time. But the Eagles are good and they will do well this season. And DO NOT take pre-season seriously. Always remember, the year the Detroit Lions went 0-16, they were 4-0 in pre-season. Just because the Eagles stunk in Week 2 of the pre-season against Pittsburgh means nothing. To quote Allen Iverson, “its just practice. Did you hear me? It’s practice.”
RCSB: Who will be the best quarterback in the NFL this season?
The great Aaron Rodgers
B the M: Well, it sure isn’t gonna be Eli Manning despite what he thinks of himself. Sometimes I think Eli is just Peyton’s dumber little brother. What’s that? He is? Really? Anyway, it won’t be either Manning.
If you’re in a fantasy draft and you have Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Mark Sanchez, Philip Rivers, Tom Brady or Michael Vick, you’ll be just fine. Detroit’s Matthew Stafford, if he can stay healthy, is the big sleeper. Matt Schaub in Houston could have a very interesting season, as well.
Stay away, stay as far as humanly possible away, from Kyle Orton, Chad Henne, Alex Smith, Matt Hasselbeck, Tarvaris Jackson and Andy Dalton.
RCSB: Is there a receiver we might not spend any time thinking about who could light it up this season?
B the M: Yep.
RCSB: Ah, well, who might that be?
Look out! Here comes Jimmy Graham.
B the M: If you wanted to ask me about a specific player, why didn’t you just freakin’ ask me? My selection for ‘big improvement from 2010 to 2011’ is Jimmy Graham, tight end for the New Orleans Saints. At 6-foot-6, 260-pounds, he’s a load. He’s also a gigantic target for the already incredible Drew Brees. While everyone is double-teaming Marques Colston, Devery Henderson, Lance Moore and Robert Meacham, great big Jimmy Graham will be lurking around all by himself. Last year, as a rookie, Graham – a third-round pick out of Miami, by the way — had 29 catches for 341 yards and four touchdowns. This year, you watch: 65 catches, 800 yards, 12 touchdowns. I love me some Jimmy Graham.
RCSB: The “Reverend” Tony Dungy says Ndamukong Suh, “has to dial it back.” Do you think he should?
B the M: Hell, no. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. As long as Suh has enough dough to pay the fines, he should continue to kick the living crap of quarterbacks – legally or otherwise. He’s a freakin’ defensive tackle. He fights to the death on every play just to get to the quarterback and then the NFL says, “Oh, Mr. Suh, when you reach the quarterback (Who should be wearing a ballet tutu) you must back off.” That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Here’s the motto of the NFL, “Do unto others BEFORE they do unto you.” If Suh changes his game, he won’t be the same player. He should just take $100,000 of his own money and put it in a trust fund for the fines he’ll have to pay, and go ahead and make $20 million a year when he becomes the best defensive lineman in NFL history.
RCSB: Which young player(s) will have the most impressive breakout seasons in 2011?
B the M: After Jimmy Graham, watch out for Ryan Mathews in San Diego. He and Mike Tolbert will share the load again, but after he closed the season with that 120-yard, three-TD game against Denver last December, he’ll take most of the reps this year. Last year, LeSean McCoy in Philly carried 207 times for 1,080 yards and seven touchdowns. Mike Vick will make those numbers larger in 2011. And if Matt Stafford stays healthy, he’ll light it up in Detroit. In fact, he could make the Lions offense as good as the Lions defense and that could mean a challenge to the Packers in the NFC North.
RCSB: Who is the best runningback in the NFL?
B the M: I love Chris Johnson and I think DeAngelo Williams is the most-under-rated back in all of football, but the answer is Adrian Peterson. He’s consistent and productive and absolutely your first pick on fantasy draft day. Even with that horse-pucky offensive line in Minnesota, he puts up big numbers. He is, without fear of legitimate argument, the best in the game.
RCSB: Can the Cincinnati Bengals win with a rookie quarterback?
B the M: You’re talking about that Andy Dalton kid aren’t you? Too bad. I hope he survives the season. The answer is no. In fact, Cincinnati will not only go 2-14 – if they’re lucky – but that team won’t be able to score in a women’s prison with a handful of pardons. Mike Brown is a donkey who should have traded Carson Palmer for a few draft picks and some real football players. Trouble is, Brown’s ego is more important than the welfare of his team. He could be one of the most incompetent dickwads in football history.
RCSB: Do you have a favorite player?
Danny Woodhead. He plays like his name.
B the M: Well, I shouldn’t, because I know all and when you know all, you know that your favorite player will one day Tweet a picture of his junk to a high school girl in Ottumwa, Iowa, and then all of your dreams will be shot to hell. But there is a player I like more than most. Danny Woodhead in New England is a riot to watch. He’s four-feet freakin’ tall, built like a porcupine and just as hard to tackle. He rushed for 611 yards last year playing second violin to Benjarvus Green-Ellis (the best name in the NFL next to Ndamukong Suh) and this year he’ll get a chance at running back and in probably some kind of H-Back set that Belichick will dream up on his walk from the locker room to the practice field. I love Danny Woodhead. I think his name is indicative of the way he plays.
RCSB: Can the Packers repeat?
B the M: Yes they can. But will they? That’s a more difficult question, Chubby. It’s extremely difficult to go back-to-back these days. When you have Aaron Rodgers at quarterback, A.J. Hawk at linebacker and Clay Matthews anywhere within 15 miles of a football field, you have a chance to win. The Packers are very good and in January, we’ll find out if they are better than the Eagles. And by the way, I live in Minnesota. It pains me to think that the Packers might win two Super Bowls in a row.
RCSB: Can anybody beat the Patriots and Eagles this year?
B the M: Sure. But will they lose very often? Not unless Bill Belichick and Andy Reid, both on the verge of pure unadulterated insanity, go completely bonkers. New England has everything plus Tom Brady. The Eagles have everything else. If it’s not a Patriots-Eagles Super Bowl, then the Jets and Saints or Packers will have played over their heads. That’s 10 questions. Now go away. Thelma wants to play the slots. Coming, dear.